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1) Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2) Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3) Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

4) Law of Cat Magnetism
All clothing attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the degree of color difference between the cat hair and the fabric color.

5) Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6) Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7) Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make its body long enough to reach just about any countertop which has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate until he gets good and ready to stop.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state if a cat is present.

11) First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

12) Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.

13) Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

14) Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

15) Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

16) Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

17) Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

18) Law of Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

19) Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

20) Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

21) Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

22) Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

23) Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

24) Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

25) Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

26) Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

27) Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

28) Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.

29) Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where it "might" be.

30) Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

31) Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

32) Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.


Buttered Cat Physics



Question: If, when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped it from a great height?

Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can be), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

   


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